Our Story

​To sit and do this again is hard. I’ve attempted to write about our story a few times but there are so many details about it that I would prefer to stay in the fade and or want to forget them. In forgetting, our story, Indi’s story, loses its purpose. So I will open this door gently to the best of my ability and share with you how it is that we got here. I would first want to say that the information I am about to share involves the use of pharmaceuticals. I am in no way a professional in advising on any prescription use or any decision-making regarding pharmaceuticals. I believe each person needs to be responsible for their health and well-being. I am, however, reminding people to DO YOUR HOMEWORK on anything they decide to use, regardless of what they are told. 

 

My long journey back to myself began in April of 2000 when I received a phone call from my sister. I heard her crying words ”Mom has cancer again.”  I felt in my body an intense sense of emotional shock and fear. On some level, I knew what was coming. She was at her 10-year remission. She had survived breast cancer, a double mastectomy, and endured months of chemo and radiation. We were again standing at the threshold of death's door. This time it was too late and she didn't have enough fight in her. She and we all embraced the last moments we got to share that became the most precious moments of our relationship. We were present in the love that we had for each other. What a gift to have had that time. Cancer took only 4 months to ravage her body and she passed away in Aug 2000. It was brutal to watch and by the end, I was selfishly wanting her to stay but her suffering became overwhelming, it was then I could see it was her time. Saying goodbye to a loved one is one of the most painful parts about being human, even though you know eventually we all return home. You are never ready for it. She had such a beautiful resting sense of peace on her face as she finally allowed herself to cross. My mother was only 53, she was a beautiful, loving, and caring woman to everyone. She had been a single mom since 1981 and raised 4 children on her own. At times working 2 to 3 jobs to support us. I had at that time no idea of her strength and sacrifice to make it all work. 

 

My appreciation of her would continue to grow 

as I got older and raised my own family. 

 

She left behind a young family that in no way was prepared to handle what felt like being orphaned. My oldest sister was 28, I was 26 my younger sister was 20 and my brother was 18. We were lost and trying our best to pick up the pieces and live. We all continued to struggle in our own ways. For me, I found that my emotions were all over the place. I was struggling to manage my life and my young small family of 2, my son Gavin and my daughter Ayla. Before my mother's passing, she had begged me to give her another grandchild so in honor of her in Oct 2001 my son was born. He was named after my mother, Diana/Anaid. He brought so much joy and light with him and it felt so good to have my arms full and focus on my growing family. As time went on, I did my best to cope but I continued to struggle emotionally and my doctor suggested antidepressants to see if it would help lessen the burden of emotional stress. We tried several different brands and finally found one (Effexor XR)  that seemed to work better than the rest. It felt like I had a handle on life but over time the dose needed to be adjusted higher as it would stop working. 

 

In 2004 I wanted to have another child and had asked my doctor if the antidepressant that I was taking was safe during pregnancy, he wasn't sure and decided that we should change to a more mild medication. He switched me onto a drug called Zoloft. I gave birth to my son Jakob in April of 2005 and was again focused and in love with our new addition. At some point after birth and breastfeeding, my doctor put me back on Effexor. At this time I had no idea of just how addicted I was to my antidepressants, it just became part of my normal daily routine. I never stopped to question if it was right or wrong, it was a lifestyle management that I was told I would most likely take for the rest of my life. I felt that I was broken inside and I needed this medication to fix me. 

 

In 2007 I wanted to have one more baby. I had a different doctor at this time and asked if I should be switched back to Zoloft like before. This time I was told that there was no information out that said it would pass through to the infant. I was told that even if it did, the effects would be positive and the baby would benefit from me being more calm. I had asked three different doctors with similar responses. I was kept on the Effexor XR at 300mg daily which was an extremely high dose. I didn't stop to question. There was no information available for the main public that was not a part of some clinical trial jargon. The warnings on the drug pamphlet were hard to understand but were also very generic. 

 

There was not enough information on the market…. yet. 

 

I became pregnant and throughout the pregnancy, I struggled more than with any other pregnancy. This was number 5 and it didn't feel the same as the others. I was placed on bed rest at 7 months as my body kept trying to go into labor. At the beginning of the 8th month, my body again started contracting, my doctor was out of town and the on-call physician decided to allow the delivery to take place because my blood pressure was so high. At the moment of finding out that we would be staying, I told my then-husband that I needed him to grab my Effexor along with our prepared hospital bag. The on-call physician overheard our conversation and with great concern asked me what medication I was taking. I told him and he immediately called down to the NICU and told them to get ready, there was an “Effexor baby” on the way. 

 

For the first time, we were terrified as we had no idea what was about to take place. The NICU set up in our room (and thank god) was ready and prepared for Indiana. She was not breathing or responding upon birth. They worked with her for what seemed like forever trying to get her to breathe. When they finally got her to take her first breath she laid lifeless as they worked on her. After all the panic had passed she was finally here. There was no communication from any of the medical staff on what had just taken place and the topic seemed to have been avoided, a dodged bullet if you will, swept under the rug. I was just so grateful to have her though. On July 26th, 2008 my Indiana Star was born. 

 

She also was named after my mother. 

 

Indiana continued having issues with staying awake to feed. She would only be awake a few minutes before falling deep into sleep again. I had to keep jostling her to try and get her to suck. I remember having to use a bottle at some point so that I could keep moving it to try and get her to become aware of the instinct to eat. She had a very low thrive. I was so blindly unaware of the danger that she was in. I had asked my doctor if it was ok that I was breastfeeding her being on Effexor. I was again told there was no proof that it would cross the barrier and into the milk. Which just writing that makes my heart hurt. How could I not have thought for myself??? I knew… deep down I knew…. Indiana continued to have issues. She was not gaining weight. If she ate, she would throw it up. We were in and out of her pediatrician's office. Her doctor came up with a plan of force-feeding her and keeping her upright for at least 30 minutes after eating to try and keep as much milk in her tummy as possible. 

 

On Sept. 6, 2008, when Indiana was 6 weeks old we had family in town and staying with us. My brother and his fiance were getting married. The wedding was beautiful and held out in the forest beside a gorgeous cabin. It was magical. The next morning, Sept 7th I fed little Indiana and instead of holding her upright, I had decided to prop her up and go get breakfast started for our company. The door to the bedroom was open and just around the corner was the kitchen. I returned to get Indiana and found her face down on the bed, my heart dropped to where my knees felt weak and as I rolled her over, all I could do was scream. Indiana had aspirated. There are so many details here that I won't add in as it is too graphic and painful to relive. I will add that I am so grateful to my sister who immediately started CPR as I called 911. They arrived and swarmed in to carry her on the run. I remember being in the ambulance and out of my mind and body. 

​

My heart goes out to the heroes that save lives. The EMTs took Indiana to Primary Children's Hospital and she was taken into a room where there seemed to be a hundred nurses and doctors. But I remember only one specifically. I was alone watching as they worked on my beautiful baby. It seemed like absolute chaos but there was an order to it. One doctor stood high above the others on a platform and walked slowly in his steps as he yelled out orders to nurses and doctors below. Step after step…. order after order… he had directed his staff in such a calm and methodical way that I couldn't help to think that there was an angel behind his delivery. They by miracle were able to get Indiana’s heart beating again. But our hope was not long-lasting…After an MRI we were told that she had sustained too much brain damage to survive. She was on life support and would have to be taken off when we were ready. Indiana passed away on Sept 13, 2008. I've never felt pain like this. There are no words I could use to describe what pain of that magnitude is like. The only ones who know what I am talking about are the ones who have lost a child. I want to be honest in sharing this, It is with God’s grace within my beautiful children that I am still in this world. I knew what losing my mother felt like and I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't leave them alone with the pain that I felt so lost in. I had to stay and endure it. 

 

This moment was the darkest night of my soul. 

 

This moment destroyed any sense of self that I had. Life was paused and I have very few memories for some time after. What made it worse was the feeling of responsibility I carried for this tragic accident. I knew It was the antidepressants that I chose to take that had continued to flow into her little body through the breast milk. Indiana was unable to handle the amount of medication that she was being exposed to.  I had to get myself off of the antidepressants. This added to the intensity of feelings of an uncontrollable emotional rollercoaster of grief, rage, and depression. I now had to deal with my mother's death and my daughter's death and the eight years between them. I had to FEEL all of it. Getting myself off of them was brutal. I had become so addicted that missing a dose would throw my brain into zaps and I suffered severe vertigo. There were days I had to lock myself away from everyone, including my children. We ALL were suffering. It took me 6 months to taper down enough to finally quit. Looking back, I should have taken longer and found support. But I no longer trusted the medical community with anything related. My anger drove me to get it out of my body. 

 

Another decision we made to move forward was the decision to have another baby. I couldn't imagine going on with my arms being empty. In Oct 2009 I gave birth to the most beautiful rainbow baby girl, Sunny. She is a healer. She healed so many who true to her name brought light back into our lives. 

 

Jumping back to the death of my mother, I was told by my Aunt that because I no longer was of the Mormon faith I would never see my mother again. She believed that my mother who was a worthy spiritual being would return to the Celestial Kingdom and I would not. Because I had left the church I would be returning to one of the lower kingdoms and would not have any access to her in the afterlife. My mother held on long enough to watch her daughter, my sister, get married. Surrounded in a room of family, I watched my mother and sister get their photos taken together for the last time my Aunt stepped close to me and asked “What does it feel like knowing that you’ll never see your mother again?” I had to walk away as my heart was so angry at her lack of empathy and compassion. It is beyond my comprehension for someone to say something so hurtful in such a moment as this. I do hold gratitude for this woman today as this moment changed me and the direction of my life… My mother passed away 4 days later. 

 

After her passing, I knew she was still with me. 

 

That fire had been lit and I needed to prove to myself and find a way to communicate with her. I had been to a few tarot readers and didn't have enough money to keep going so I decided to learn how to read tarot myself. Moving years forward, before conceiving Indi, her sweet young spirit had come to me several times and said she needed to come into this world. She would stand to my left so close that I could feel her. At the time we struggled financially and were not open to having any more children but she was there time and time again asking me to bring her in. Indiana's father had no interest in having any more children. One night she told me that if she didn't come through us then she would have to find another family to come through. I did a tarot reading for my husband and Indi’s message was so undeniably strong. We were pregnant with Indiana 1 month later. When she died I was so confused as to why???? She had begged me to bring her into this world. 

 

Why did she leave??

 

My grief was too much for me to be able to continue reading taro. I knew Indi was with me and I needed to find a way to communicate with her so that I could start putting some pieces together for healing. I had begged her to help me find a way to communicate. I received an image in my thoughts of a deck of cards that I needed to make and now have been using them for over 14 years. Indiana put that deck into my thoughts and it just so happened that the first deck was finished on her birthday. 

 

“Indi Star Cards” were born… These are her cards. During the beginning stages of healing, she explained to me that we were a part of a movement happening on this earth. That numbing ourselves separates us from our creative power and only through our emotions can we navigate our lives. We were so fortunate in bringing our story to this world. We had been invited to be a part of two different documentaries that brought awareness to the public finally exposing the dangers associated with taking antidepressants. One which was translated into seven different languages. Our story is now in Eight different countries. We were able to share in podcasts and also millions have viewed our original YouTube video, “Effexor Baby”. At the time of her conception through her birth, there was very little information online about the dangers of antidepressants and pregnancy. We were a part of adding to online material and a part of the thousands of stories starting to come forward which eventually led to the warning labels being changed on SSRIs so that people can pause in their situations before deciding what the risks are. I am truly grateful for the many earth angels who helped guide us and allowed us to share and take part in their outreach programs. 

 

Today our work continues together as we now are working towards connecting people with their loved ones crossed over. Reuniting them with their truest selves and navigating emotional traumas. We are here to remind people of the importance of healing the wounded body by connecting to the very purest part of themselves. Their spirit. Our loved ones are there. They are with us helping us navigate, supporting us, and loving us. It's taken me 23 years with the last 15 being relentless generational healing work that has finally reached a point where I am ready to share and teach. Indi’s message is clear and strong. We cannot numb the very part of us that is specific to our personal GPS systems. Our emotions are how we know when something needs our attention. Only when we remove judgment of it and start to listen to it can we move beyond our past. I have such a strong testimony that connecting to my higher self is the light through any darkness, leading to the greatest joy one could imagine. I am finally home within and now here to share with others that they too, can find the answers they seek. As my mother used to say every Friday and Saturday night while I was walking out the front door to go hang out with my friends… “remember who you are and where you come from” At the time it was a reminder of a moral compass. Now it rings loud and true… it's about remembering, you are spirit. 

 

That is our home.